... and she lived happily ever after!

New year resolutions have been a thing of fame,

During the days when I knew much lesser of life,

Whatever, a resolution there was always one,

Kept or unkept, one surely made!

Years passed and each year came a birthday,

A day that made me older; finally came this year;

The year that makes me wiser!

The days gone are gone; never to come back,

The days to come may or may not come; knowledge I lack.

But today is here, with me in front of me,

Today I see, today is all that will mean.

The year gone, the people gone; I still remain;

For the future I know not, the past I want to speak not;

This moment is all I want to relish, for today is all that will mean.

I am older; wiser too may be;

But I still want to make this resolution,

An oath on my past, a promise to my future –

To live my life with all happiness, each moment!

Not from people, not from days

But from within, from the real me

Me and today, for this is all that will mean; and remain!

It is Love

A smile curves my lips just coz I think of you,
A tear rolls down just coz I didn’t see you,
Life cannot be so insensible!
This has to be it; nothing else can feel like this.

You hold my hand and it feels like the world is with me,
You hug me tight and it feels like nothing exists but you and me,
Life cannot be so magical!
This has to be it; nothing else can feel like this.

Pain gets sweeter with each moment we are apart,
Only coz we are a moment closer to meeting again,
Life cannot be so strange!
This has to be it; nothing else can feel like this.

The Little One

He was so small. Cannot be more than 6 – 10 months old. Wet, soaked in rain water! Scorpio car’s height is quite a bit for the little one to fall down from. Its light brown skin color now 3 shades darker and eyes shining black. In the middle of the subway, this little one fell down from the top of a black scorpio car standing ahead of me in the jam.

It almost looked like I was the only one who noticed his slip. I wondered what he was doing on top of the car? A lizard on a car … not something that we expect to see. And now in the middle of the subway that is jammed with vehicles; wheels and tyres of all sizes will soon start moving zig-zag to be the first to get out of the chaos. He was still motionless. He was just about a foot and half from my Activa’s front wheel. It was raining mildly. I could understand that he wasn’t able to move. One reason being the new surface that was so watery and the other being the shock and impact of the fall.

I peeped to notice that the signal will remain red for another 30 seconds. Will this little one recoup by then? Even if he does, will he survive the wheels? Left or right, he had at least 10 feet to run before he reached safety. Is he capable of making all this calculation or is he still in shock? Is he feeling lost, away from his cosy home?

He probably lived in a big house. The owner has a scorpio! May be some house with many rooms, big kitchen and huge lofts. Many flowing curtains and enough wall furniture and fixtures for him to find warmth. He probably just broke the rules and wandered into the car shed? May be the silvery-white car cover impressed him and he wanted to give it a try. He must have missed the conversation about the family eat-out plan! The driver must have removed the cover with a negligent sway and luckily the little one must have found his balance and clung on to the side of the car. A car is surely a new hide-out for this little one. He couldn’t have known that this is not a good place to live because of the hot engine and rolling tyres. When have the little ones listened to the seniors?

He must have again had two options. Direction 1 or direction 2. One would have taken him closer to the floor and he could have easily marched to safety. He clearly chose the other to land at the top of the car. The engine must have been switched on, the entire family would have rushed in shaking the whole car and needing the little one to keep his grip steady on the soft curves of the car. Zoooop. Now on the roads! Never would he have thought of such speeds. 60 km/hour with no protection and losing grip. It must have felt like a nightmare! But then, little one, you strayed to adventure and so you got your full share! May be!

Big cars hate big jams. Big car drivers hate small cars/bikes in big jams! We were all moving by inches and this driver got really irritated and hit the brake hard when he had to stop. Thlup! This little one fell down and became a part of my life. Feeling lost, away from his cosy home.

The signal is almost green, in 3 seconds it is get-set-go! I waited for the traffic to my right to clear so that I don’t decide the little one’s destiny. He was still immobile. I told myself that I will move to the right and keep going. I don’t have to look back to see what happens to him. As destined.

I moved right and ahead and turned back to see a motorist travel on the line where the little one was lying still. I blinked to keep the rain water away from my eyes and found him gone. The bike just rode past me.

He probably suffered a run-over and got smashed against the front/back wheel and now stuck to the tyre with his limbs extended and he dead! Life’s over even before he lived it full.

It could have also been that he managed to make a knick of the moment leap and got into the insides of the bike’s wheel. He would have found the surface less smooth and easier to grip. It would have been a roller coaster till the motorist reached his home and switched off the engine. After a while, he would have got off the wheel, slowly travelled through the wet park area floor and reached the safety of the walls. He would have entered the house through the small gap in the window. Pink paint, lot of unclosed shelves, kitchen to the right with lot of things in the loft, two school going kids and so lot of books. But no curtains L Wish you a happy life in your new home, little one!

Be willing to be a student sometimes!

It has taken me a year to fill my blog with something. A year. I don’t believe it! The car-ride experience from Kodaikanal to Chennai and all the related affairs are still so fresh in my mind. The year has surely passed fast. Good. Very good!

Work has been at top priority, after family and near-dear ones, of course.

I just read a friend’s status quote which says, “Be willing to be a student sometimes!”. Not a perfectly structured line, I would say, “Sometimes, be willing to be a student!”.

But the message is much more important. Sentence structuring and word usage, for most of us, ended in school. Then on, the emphasis has been more on the message/stuff than the words.

In all this, have most of us forgotten how to express?

Have words lost their value?

“Thanks” “Sorry” “I Love You” “Miss You” – these words have long lost their true meaning. The words now no longer seem to carry the expression. They come so much from the tip of the tongue than from the depth of the heart, so much that it has become increasingly difficult to trust that someone really loves us or is thankful to us or is sorry about what happened or misses us.

This makes the world an all the more easy place to live for the men around me. Since these words have no credence, our folks are spared from using them and expressing themselves. Do they still know that the woman inside the lady would still want to hear these words? Nay!

Do we know to use words to appreciate other’s efforts? At home or work? We seem to be more worried about the other person’s ego getting boosted with our appreciation than valuing the human in him/her and adding to their goodness for the day. But then, do we stop ourselves from pointing the not-so-nice? :) hehe!

Some of my friends tease me for using words like amazing, perfect, great, awesome, lovely, fantastic, wow, nice. I am absolutely sure they are just pulling my leg for this is not how many of us express; and for the non-Indian customer base for whom I work and from whom I pick such adjectives. But I like these words. They carry so much positive energy. So much that it adds enthusiasm not only to the receiver and listeners, but to the speaker too. I love these words :)

So to see, words have not died, the good ones have faded with time.

Have actions also died down?

How many of us hug our friends? How many of us shake hands everyday with our colleagues? (In my previous workplace, we were 5 friends – 2 guys and 3 girls and each day all of us shook hands when we met each other for the first time in the day. This act did not seem to bear much importance while we did. There were others who thought it funny and unnecessary. But who cared? Today, now in my current workplace, I miss this contact. A simple hand shake confirmed the relationship and re-established everyday that we are going to work together and solve all problems hand-in-hand. It reduced stress. I miss you, guys! It will be great to work with you all again, any day!).

Do we all hug our family members before we leave for office each day and after we return home? How many of us make eye contact with our partners (whatever be the status of the relationship) to tell them that they add value to our lives?

When was the last time we told our mother about the wonderful pongal-chutney-kesari that she makes? Do we look back at our lives and appreciate our parents for their contribution to our present? Does your little one know that you admire her/him when she/he is fast asleep?

Time of Assumptions!

Today is a time where assumptions rule higher than expression. I of course love you otherwise why would I be doing this? Of course I like what you make, why else do I eat so much? Of course you are good to work with, otherwise I would have shifted team long back.

I wonder, is it only me who thinks – probably the person is clinging on for comfort reasons? Probably eating what I make since it works out cheaper? Works with me only coz others are little more difficult. I hope and really hope I am not the only person under the big Sun who needs words and actions and expressions.

I don’t much understand why expressions are kept a secret. While I understand things like “if everything is said, then nothing remains.” Right. But that’s for those to worry who come even somewhere close to “everything”. Most of us are now at level “nothing”. :)

We are living in a world of men and women; where men understand only action; express only through actions and see through their eyes, whereas women want to say it all, hear it all and see through their minds. Will the balancing happen or is this something that my 3 gen-next will also write about? Or would words, actions and expression be extinct and relate to history and be called historical terminologies?

The feeling will remain .....

Now this is sensitive. I pray to all the super natural powers that wander around me to keep me on track!

On my previous entries in this space, I have received varied comments. I published all the favourable comments and rejected the rest. I appreciate blogspot for providing the "moderate comments" option!
Some friends think they are just okay ... nothing specific .. important friends ... but I respect their thoughts ... may be they expect more from me and I have failed to match their expectation! I will work harder.
Many other friends and close family were very appreciative of the entries, with many comments that are motivating and also capable of slightly lifting me off my feet! Thank you all!

But why this now?

I have many friends and I am glad that I have been gathering them all my way since quite a young age! I am very glad that I have each one of them as part of my life.

But why this now?

I want to write about a very recent friend ... very very recent ... a friend who made me realise what friendship is all about! It’s irresistible that I don't write about him here.

Before I proceed to explain how, where, when and who; I will have to expose myself little more to you; to try and bring out the real reason why this person deserves a special entry in my blog!

I am such a fuss! Truly, if I view myself from a third-party shoe, I will call myself "Oh, just ignore her, she is a fuss of the first degree!"
I fuss about food! I need good food. I really do. I mean it. If my self-preparation is bad, I do not serve it for anyone but myself. Food has to be perfect and each thing should carry its distinguished taste and smell. Now let me not project as if I am a wonderful cook ... I do fine ... but I fuss like hell when others serve me. Ask my mom and she will tell you how I could identify that the beans or carrot needs more cooking, sitting in my study room!
Adding to it, I am fussy also about whom I eat with! I know it is bad, but I can't help it. My distinction does not follow caste or creed or gender. I can eat only with people whom my heart recognizes. So, recently there are times when I eat alone. I don't feel bad about it. Solitude is better than forced company, to me!
-----

We were on our way back from our vacation ... a cut-short to the trip because my husband got infected with Chicken pox. We had to leave back for home 4 days before schedule and it was a 5-day holiday plan. The positive was that we got the chance to travel by car from the hill-top to the Chennai plains! The positive is: I realised a deep feeling. I felt it.

My husband was not well; but I must admit, he was doing his best not to fall too sick. I could feel it, sitting next to him. I understood that he doesn't want to look weak, considering that we are traveling on a lonely route and if he is not too awake, I am at risk.
Fear was there. Very much there. Today it looks futile to have feared, but back then it was there.

The car driver ... a nice guy ... I had enquired about the driver's capability on the hilly-roads with the hotel reception; I consider my husband best in driving and traveling with someone else is always a secondary option for me. This time I had no option. Even if I was told that he is not too good, I could have done nothing but be ready for a mishap!

He was wonderful. We spoke a lot about the hills. About areas least visited and areas most visited. We spoke about climate, vegetation. He showed me coffee plantations. I touched coffee seeds and smelled them too. He showed us some falls and spoke about their origin. From him, I leant about the tribes and their villages and their lifestyle. With him and his words, I got a fresh view of the Mountains and its habitat. It was rejuvenating.

We stopped once or twice for medicines or for tender coconut or for petrol. He was very helpful. Calm and composed. Told me not to try reading while we are driving down mountains, they could disturb vision and in turn lead to a headache.

He was a sweet chap! He played some old Hindi song CDs that I enjoyed. I was surprised when my husband could also recognise some of those songs! Amazing guy! With a body temperature peaked at 102 degrees; uncomfortable car ride; this guy still had his enthusiasm alive. Just for me! I knew! I know!

We had to stop for lunch. I had packed sufficient idli “rice pancakes” for my husband and he ate it in the car. It’s not safe to face dust with this infection. Also, members of the society are likely to dislike when Chicken-pox-infected-members enter common places. Understandable, though!

I acted very casual. But let me tell, my thoughts about lunch have been dominating my mind for a while by then. I couldn’t even concentrate on some part of “love aaj kal” that our driver played for us on the Car TV. I knew this moment would come and I dreaded it.

My husband wouldn’t get down from the car. He couldn’t. He shouldn’t.
I would go in alone. Of course, Salim would also come in. We both had to eat lunch. He had said that it is a good place. But how good can a highway dhaba be? And Good Food is very very very subjective, ain’t it?

However, my apprehension was not about the food. Not at all. I would eat rice curd and pickle and manage till I get home. But would I sit alone or would Salim sit next to me to eat?

Almost 2 hours I pondered over this thought and there was nothing I could conclude about it. I would usually allow things to flow with the stream. But this was my ever-fuss situation. How would everything happen?

The place was clean. Thank Goodness! 1% of my problem is solved.
Salim walked to wash his hands. I followed. He was not to be seen afterwards. For few seconds.

Usually drivers do not share table with us. I haven’t traveled with drivers much, but this line suited my preference. I chose a table close to a window. A window directed towards our parked hired-car. I sat on the chair closest to the window. I wanted to keep a watch on my husband. Or was I insecure? How does it matter now, the day is over and it has taken away all the fear and anxiety.

He was standing close to me. Looking at the table next to mine. There was a man already eating on that table and he was about to pull the chair and join him.

“Join me, Salim”
“Madam”
“Join me. Sit here”

We had a nice meal. We both opted for South Indian meals. It’s never too clever to try north dishes in a south-eat-out. We spoke little over food. That little made so much sense. So much.
He was sorry that our holiday was ending like this. He was happy that my husband was managing well and sitting-up still. He was keen that we make it again this year. He was excited when I said I would touch-base when we revisit. He was eating well. He accepted my offer and ordered a lemon-soda. He smiled when I cracked a silly joke. He suggested I tip the waiter with no more than 10/- and he was pleased when I thanked the waiter for his services.

This is surely his regular stop-place; and it would have probably added some weight to his image that he shared table with his lady customer; ordered a juice; tipped the waiter ten bucks! All this was apart his bata!

But I did not ask him to join me for all this.
I offered to eat with him out of instincts. My heart recognized him. Felt him.
It was not difficult to share my table with him. It was not difficult to eat with him.
I felt something very deep. A human instinct. A natural feeling of feeling one with someone. This had no physical connection, we don’t know much about each other, I don’t even know if he is married, I know he prays in a different style to the Lord because of his name.

This was friendship. In its truest form. I felt it. I shared it. I carried it. Here, I deliver it to one and all of you.
I am still floating in that feeling. A feeling that I felt for Salim. A feeling which I am not sure I will feel for anyone else ever again.

My tribute to the feeling of Friendship, Humanity and Sharing.

2009 - I have nothing new on the blog.

2009 - I have nothing new on the blog. This does not necessarily mean that I have not been writing. Of course, I have been writing... I have been writing mails and mails and mails at work... I have also passed some birthday one-liners (which actually mean a lot to me, i believe more in "hapie bday" than in words like - may this year bring in lot of happiness and ..... or something like - this is your day, party and have real fun and dont miss out to.... they are just words, but i love a simple mail that just says "hapie bday" with all my heart) Why so much about this? Because a female friend complained that it was the most non-friendly bday wish she has ever received. haha.. i had nothing to say

Unfortunately, I also had to pen some condolence mails and some sorry mails for forgotten bdays and anniversaries and baby's first month!!

Now this should explain why I couldnt blog ... i was writing ...



Now, after 3 months, I am not too sure what to write about, but i surely know I want to write!! Too many people have asked me ... What happened? You dont have a new poem about viral fever or the ended struggle :)

On the lighter side, of course I could write about them too ... but days are getting really so busy and hectic that looking at myself in the mirror has become a rarity!! So now you can guess the rest!

I have something to write about .. about my dreams ... about my dreams coming true ..

Await .. they are on their way!

"No words" for Poetry

I want to write a poem,

I realise its been long,

I am trying to pen down points ..

.. but they are all scattered like dropped coins!

I thought let me shake-awake the poet in me-

So I read some of the best poetry ever:

Wordsworth, Blake, Shakespeare, Kipling.

I have nothing left, they have covered everything!

Nature, Women, Society -

Everything stands covered!

Love and pain; Gain and loss;

Kings and kingdoms; Beauty and lust.

If there were a universal box of ideas,

A repository created when the world formed ...

I regret I am born too late;

There seems nothing left for me and the generations to come!

T-E-A-R-S

Tears flood-in in times of pain
In times of anger and disgust
Emotions break-out into tears
At sad and happy moments of life

A tear, a woman's weakness
A tear, a man's weakness too!
A tear, backed by fear
or sheer excitement

That single drop of H2O
More than hydrogen and oxygen (and salt!)
Carries the message "I am hurt"
Sometimes says with a smile "I am happy"

"Thanks :-)" "Sorry :-)"
"I Love you" "I miss you".

I dropped a tear now
A simple path down my cheeks
travelling to the corner of my lips
Tickling the already tickled emotions, it said -

"You make my life better - Stay on please"

I am neither happy nor sad
Worried no, not anxious too
The tear slipped .... just because
I am too shy to tell you how much you mean to me -
"You make my life better - Stay on please"

Everything ... nothing

There was everything,
Everything that I could ever want.
Cake, candles, flowers and drinks.
A friend too, who means a lot..

gifts too, of course :-)
How can I miss them!
They took me all by surprise.
... there was everything

The theatre tickets ..
..they had the icing effect -
Thank you so much!
..there was everything.

Still there was emptiness ..
..Loneliness and sadness!
There was everything ..
.. yet there was nothing.

Just For Our Sake

I feel so empty, so lost ..
I have sold everything for a high cost.
I gave trust and fidelity,
And in the trade, lost my self entity.


Giving is such a pleasure -
So much that I haven’t pondered into taking!

Your special attention makes me now think ..

After all let me try it once, risk it, why not?

The strange feeling isn’t just my nerves’ game,
I am old enough now, they are all tame.
This is something more, a feeling more core,
A feeling that had gone over the years sore!


I thank you for tingling them again.
In this, my soul is trying to regain.
I want back my lost self entity,
I want to pamper the woman in me.


No one else can decide what I deserve best,
My life is just my own test. Yet,
I plead you to hold hand-in-hand,
And take me to the unseen land.


While all that I ask is all that I want,
I am wondering if I will know what i really want!
I plead - Don’t do anything for just my sake,
I want the real you, not a fake!


In the end if I disappoint you, a bit or more,
For reasons that may please you not.
Forgive me, but believe too ..
I had put everything I had, and,
that I did give it my best till date.
- Just For Our Sake.

Forever Struggle

When you need to cry for your basic rights,
When everything has to come with a fight,
How pathetic life becomes for some!
More than sad, its so fearsome -



When you are not the priority,
When words of concern are rarity,
When life carries no clarity,
When you doubt the very chastity ...



then, life is no more a burden,
but every breath itself is ...
Tears no more have their effect,
The pain is lost with everything bereft -


But there is still hope,
If you wish to cope ...
Chances there are still many,
Though may be worth not a penny!



Make a fresh start, give all that you have saved,
Disappointing this may be again, the road still unpaved!
Lose not your temper, drop not a tear.
Count the years, for easier they may be -
than to count your days, for waiting may forever be!

Something-in-Between

Attach Detach
Merge Scatter
Together Separate
Love Hate

I remember my initial school lesssons,
Where we learnt antonyms of words -
Girl x Boy; Man x Woman
Good x Bad; Love x Hate

How simple these were -
Very easily taught.
Something that is not hot - Cold.
Someone who is not a Friend - Enemy.

How wrong all this is,
How superficial are these words.
For there exists no real love,
For there is no one we really hate!


I could love someone, still hate something in him,
I could like something hot, yet not that hot!
My classes never taught me what to call that -
I dont want the antonym, but Something-in-Between!


I hate a person for all the wrong that he did,
I still just love him for reasons very candid!
I just want to separate, just leave him.
I still want to hang on, live with him.


I am not confused, if you think I am :-)
I am just sharing with you a possible fact -
Every emotion cannot be defined - this or that.
There is always something that cannot be expressed -
Something-in-Between!

O Cold, my Nose ..

This is a very silly poem .. very silly indeed!
But this is all I can do when I have him ruling my world ..

Running down the slope ..
Circling up the hole ..
How sudden is your visit!
Your stay is enjoyed least :-(

Like a student dreads a teacher..
Like a thief fears a cop..
As Jerry runs from Tom..
A motorist from the Red Stop..

You are most hated!
Yet you come and go.
Shameless and stubborn -
You run up and down my little nose.

The world looks so sick,
On everyone around I pick.
You enter on the moment's nick,
I wish i could shoo you with a kick!

You stay for as long as you wish,
You mess my nose, for tissues I fish.
My eyes shrink, my face bloats,
The whole day my nose I blow.

Napkins after napkins...
Fill the dust bins.
You still stay for long,
For your exit, I long!

You appear every quarter,
Your performance getting better!
You make me wonder where you sit,
My nose has space just for air to fit!

They call you "the cold",
The evil that strikes, young and old.
I decide to stand bold,
Dear Cold, you will soon get sold :-)